restless

I am so restless these past few weeks. Acting out is my fear. I have ways that I act out that are NOT good for me, and I’m like an addict holding onto my sobriety right now. thinking of ways I can get away with something or pull it off without consequences…………………………………If I act out, I could blow everything up. That has always been the risk, and my in maturity allows me to think I would never get caught and lets face it, the truth has a way of showing itself…………………….eventually.

Fear…………………………but what is my real fear? In my gut it is that I will get caught, because I so desire the acting out part. So then I feel guilty (and ive not done anything yet) and I realize the fear is doing something unhealthy and dealing with the aftermath, which is never ever good. and that aftermath is just what I do to myself, the negative self deprecating way I talk to myself, that has nothing to do with the actual prospect of really getting caught and having to deal with real consequences of hurting and destroying a family. heavy shit man. Fuck it.

why? I wonder…………….is it a combination of things? The most obvious is that the summer is almost over and my college student is leaving for NYC in 3 weeks. I can’t tell you how complex these emotions are for me. On one little baby hand I am so very proud of her and want her to follow her dreams, wherever they lead. I want her to have her chance of building the life she desires. on my other big fat hand, she’s mine and I’m the only one who can keep her safe. and with my guidance(control) she will be happy and nurtured and protected and I still have scars and she’s mine. I never thought my kids would be far from me. I thought college was an hours drive away. Not across the country. That is for rich people.

Weve had a fun summer, she tells me its her last. Next year she is continuing school thru summer so she can finish early. Again, I find it hard to live my life without her. My coping mechanism last year was food, that is how I acted out. I sat and ate day after day. It didn’t bring her home and it made me miserable. the consequences were terrible and guess what ………………..I found no comfort. Yes, I fear repeating this. Fear is so powerful and still I am feeling powerless…………………..because the food and getting stoned and drinking……………….. was Me being “good”.

HELP?

50 shades……………………..Whatever!

3 weeks ago, I had heard enough………….enough women sigh with delight, squeal in their seat, wiggle and squirm and come right out and say they wished their man was like Christian Grey. I too had to read it. I also wanted to squeal and squirm. I bought the 3 book series

50 Shades of Grey. 50 shades of darker, 50 shades of freed. 28 bucks at costco and I was ready to roll

The story of Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele, 20 somethings who find each other by chance. bla bla bla. The story starts off with a bang. literally. lots of hot sex. lots and lots of sex. you can’t put it down, you want more and more sex scenes until eventually that is all there seems to be of the book. Just like casual sex in real life, fun at first but it doesn’t take long to notice something is missing.

Ok, this is not a book review so I’ll get on with it. First I need to add…………………the second book is better,a real (fantasy) relationship forms and we finally get a bit deeper into the characters. by the end you need/want to just keep going to the third. They are easy sexy reads and it only takes me 2 1/2 weeks to read all three. Which could have  been one substantial book.

HERE IS THE POINT

Why are our women up in arms about this book? Our wives? mothers? young women old women. American women Why? Why?  WHY????

It’s not necessarily well written. It is in classic harlequin cheesy romance style. Yes, the hot steamy very naughty sex scenes……………………………….But those have been in penthouse forever. Are we fascinated with the Dominate/submissive lifestyle? Do we want to only be handcuffed and spanked by very wealthy young handsome men? Are we not getting laid at all (asks the woman who rarely gets laid) Do we want to delve into a disturbed mans mind and FIX him. Bring him around to the light while he tells us our every move? Do we like to be afraid our man will leave us if we misbehave? Do we fantasize about house staff and personal shoppers from Neiman Marcus?

I don’t get it.

the romance novels are abundant, the porn is everywhere. So much information about Dom/Sub, this is nothing new women! Even the fantasy that we could fix him if he were really that rich. This is not new stuff so why are we now sooooooooo fucking interested in being tied up, fucked silly, whisked away in a private jet in expensive clothes? After we fix our hideously rich man? I don’t believe in the love they had and I don’t know why this series of books is so special.

I’m inspired to start a book club. I think the real answer is about the phycology of women today………………………………….as for me, I couldn’t put it down.